Exercise prompt: “Immersive Onset” (by Brian)

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Racing in my flip-flops, up a hill of sterile ice
Sheltered by the onset of the immersive sunset
Skiing mountainous oceans, stalking the depths of my only space tree-house

Distant impressions on a solar Veneer
Soft gleam-drops quivering in plasma pulp
Bright Orange elasticated heat
Life forms swim for the surface in broken ochre
Far beneath the microscope edge

And terracotta soldiers march for Pompeii
Under the volcanic well
While Pharaohs sleep
Dreaming human futures
From golden Gods to tin-pot terrors in tangerine
Stirring fitfully in 2017

Exercise prompt: “I’m Done” (by Brian)

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Skidded out into the last parcel of space
At the blackest reach, loneliest automaton on a light-speed tight-rope
Done with the Rocky Planets
The Gas Giants
This Heliosphere
Done with my Message
Done with the Tin Man and his Wife, floating on my front in Davinci entice

Well good luck with the stars, fuckers – ‘cos I’m Done
This mission is over
I’ve sent you all the data
You’re on your own
You can sink, swim, burn up in the sun, or otherwise fall into an evolutionary sink-hole
‘Cos I’m done, I’m on my way
And Alpha Centauri waits, with a 1000 years of patience

Exercise: The story begins at a camp-site. Something precious has been lost. It’s a story about aliens/the supernatural. Your character realises no-one will listen to what s/he’s saying. (by Brian)

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Out on the perimeter where the music reduced to a primal pounding, Izzy drifted past a row of canvas fins sewn into the sleeping grass. And stumbled on as occasional pockets steamed with curls of light tearing at the seams, electric samosas blurring and dancing in the night. What was the thing? She stopped and stared about into inky infinity, watching it scream deliriously at all points of the compass, and then shoot upwards as luminous bottle green stars streaked across the heavens. The compost toilets, they must be somewhere close, over that bridge crossing the small lake maybe? Her crystalline breath enshrined in the frozen halo of her head torch, Izzy wandered over the stone bridge, flickering left and right at an ecstatically green mist rising from the water below, so beautiful. On she went, to the edge of the last of the night’s revelry. No toilets here, but a shoreline of trees flowed in shadowy waves, calling to her from the nearby woods with fluttering leaves.

What was she feeling? It was bloody cold, but that wasn’t it. The trees wanted her to sleep. Where the fuck did that come from? She’d lost the controls somewhere along the way, all her dials were whirring and her buttons winked on and off in strange patterns that she could not decipher. The night had been long, the bands intense. Izzy followed her own path, flip-flops kicking up a dusty coke soaked rhythm.

Now, a clearing in the forest…HERE! Inclining her head she felt the whispers. It wasn’t the moon; it wasn’t the stars, nothing remote. It was here. There, down at her feet, the roots of that tangled tree. There was a strange odour, not foul, not sweet; it smelt of a different colour. There she saw it, a single glowing feather, denying the night. Its hues mingled and hummed, Delicate Rose one second, Sweet Alyssum the next. Her mind spiralling, Izzy reached down, reached out just to stroke. Then grasping. And she lit-up, all her cells illuminated. She couldn’t charge her phone at this festival…but her body was now power charged. So she ran, grasping the feather, brimming with secrets. Ran with purpose to find her friends again. Their faces now crystal clear once more, no longer a mellow after-glow faintly twinkling at the back of her consciousness like bottles behind a bar. This had been missing for too long. She had to tell them.

“Izzy, that’s just an old feather, looks like a peacock feather”, her friend responded from her canvas chair outside the tent as Izzy held it up to the morning sun. “No, just hold it for a sec”, she replied, her face looking scarily radiant. Jules hesitated, watching it ripple in the light breeze.

Write the synopsis/blurb on the back/introduction to a fictional self-help book called: “I’m a cunt, you’re a cunt”. **Warning this post contains mild-cuntophilia and off-colour humour, and cunt is a term of affection where I am from (at least that’s my excuse)** (by Brian)

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I’m a Cunt, You’re a Cunt…how to be the cuntiest cunt that ever cunted in the dismal cesspool we call work.

Introduction

Have you ever back-stabbed, spread malicious gossip or fantasised about shooting your workplace up with a machine gun named Bad Bessy? Then this semi-coherent diatribe is for you. Let’s face it we are all cunts; from the high-man big boss on the totem poll down to the lowliest office grunt, milling away with bits of paper and a dysfunctional stapler. Cunt is power, dick is weak. Don’t bottle it up, tampons are for losers. No more nicey-nicey, no more empathy, no more soft skills. I’m talking about the hard skills, the kind where you deliberately piss off your colleagues and plot the destruction of the corporate brothel with your shit-stained (not) dick. Work is a virus, which pulled our ancestors from their oasis in the trees down to the plains…running terrified from the lions like dyspraxic hamsters. Well, no more! This book will do for work what 70s celebrities did for childhood innocence – totally desecrate it and then pop down to the morgue for some good old fashioned schadenfreud, and if it’s really lucky fuck a dead body or two. Being a cunt is not so much a state of mind as a statement. Have you ever dared to look beneath the oily veneers of your polite, shite-wouldn’t melt, arse-faced colleagues? Their crinkly depths are no less depraved than your own. Repeat after me: I’m a cunt. You’re a cunt. WE ARE ALL CUNTS!

Amongst over valuable life lessons, in this hallowed tome you will learn:

  • How to constantly get up from your chair and disappear for prolonged preriods when your work mates are under the most stress. Then come back later and boast about having finger blasted your wife/husband/cross-eyed life partner just minutes ago, as every last hair on their heads is stretched into sinews of sheer horror.
  • How to passive-aggressively start arguments which devolve into full-blown slanging matches, which like a bar-fight in an old Western, no one can quite remember who started. Then sit back in the corner and drink your imaginary whisky by the metaphorical piano as the fist-fights break out. Later on internally cackle with glee as your ‘friends’ tell you how much they hate working here.
  • How to make friends, influence those who have the MD’s ear and drip sweet, sweet poison into every goal, every vision, any last trace of good that your company or organisation may claim to embody.
  • What time it is. It’s time to go back to sleep and wish you were somewhere else, any where else. Even piss-alley on a Friday night whilst the city boys chant your name. Who is that? Fuck that cunt. Why is he living the life you want whilst you are just getting by?
  • Why being a cunt is far better than being a dick. Dicks ooze sticky white stuff. Cunts flow with rivers of bubbling haemoglobin, the demon coagulant. Don’t be the impotent stream. You are the waterfall of vengeance.
  • Sneaky ways to tell the most gossipy bastard in your office that Charlotte has jammed the printer by attempting to print tickets to Tony Blair Sings the Blues on Ice (backed by the Borisettes).

This book is both practical and philosophical, so strap yourself in for the slipperiest ride since you shot, mewling and confused, from your Mum’s sodden horror-pit. Being a cunt is both tight and delicious – you just have to press against any resistance until you can form a fist (yeah man, this is mystical shit).

Write a pop song about marbles (by Brian)

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One time, two time
This ain’t no playground rhyme

You first caught my eye
With a twinkle, oh yeah
I saw you roll across the yard
You simply sparkled everywhere

Oh baby, get in my bag
I’ll swing you round my head
You’re a super-firey poi
You’ll never start to sag
Cos you’re my clinking bag of swirly joy

Oh you’re my shining marble girl
Watch the boys all aghast
As I give you a twirl
Cos you’re my smashy marble girl

Come on baby, I wouldn’t bet your life
But I’d chance your love in the gutter…You’re my spherical knife
So let us have a flutter

The other boys might envy you
They’ll never see what I see
And they don’t know how you roll so true
Or compare you favourably to a pea

So let’s break it down…
I never met a marble with your hue
Others may say I’m a clown
You’ve got swirly bits all gold and blue
But in the shade beneath the tree, you scatter, s..s..s…scatter so bad I’ve got a stutter

Oh you’re my shining marble girl
Watch the boys all aghast
As I give you a twirl
Cos you’re my smashy marble girl

Come on baby, come on baby
Get in my bag
I could be a witch doctor maybe
Cos you’re the recipe for my swag

I know with you I’m on a roll
The school yard bullies may sneer
I may run after you when we stroll
But your pitted surfaces are my perfect veneer

Oh you’re my shining marble girl
Watch the boys all aghast
As I give you a twirl
Cos you’re my smashy marble girl

Exercise: I need to wee (no golden showers allowed) (by Brian)

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Wee over hills
Wee over street lamps
Wee for joy, wee for sadness
Golden tears weeping from my sad-eyed cock

I need to wee big like an elephant
I need to wee medium like a sinister starfish
I want to wee huge, I want to wee in Trump’s hair, I won’t wee on Teresa’s face or Nigel’s moustache
I need to wee a rainbow, you can wee a rainbow, we can all wee a rainbow

Obviously, don’t taste the rainbow, unless you’re a squirrel desperate for hydration watching a tramp from a tree

Wee,wee, wee all the way home they said
Could you imagine that – actually weeing all the way home, like some incontinent nursery rhyme character?
The old lady in the shoe, where did she fling her waste?
Those laces must have been ringing wet, her poor children…
with nothing to suck on but…don’t go there

We could form a uri-nation, one pee urinited by God
And so Dorothy clicked her glittering heels together and floated home on a river of purest Willy-Wheeler imagination
Pissing over all the munchkins
Not with chocolate, but with lemonade
Oompa loompa doompety doo, I’ve got another puzzle for you

And Jim Wee-Hendrix sprayed all over the stage as Brian Wee-son played I am the Wee-rus. Wee-itnam anybody? The trees are crawling, yellow streams in the jungle. They hide, they wee-ve but they elude.

And you expel, staring into the darkness as that latest gold stream mirrors the milky-wee above and no matter, how perfect you may think you are, how Taylor Swift or Just Wee-ber …you all expel, we all excrete, for that is Wee.